Three to Four years ago, I began writing Non - Fiction Essays in College. Soon after that semester, I chose never to reveal much of myself to anyone. The essays were good my professor said, but I couldn’t find the courage to write anything that related to me anymore, especially about the darkness in the life of mine. But courage found me, spoke to me and here I am writing an essay.
In all my stories, one thing repeated itself over and over again.
Life.
Life itself kept showing up.
And so I write about the anchor that keeps me from blowing away with the ocean’s breeze.
Right before Easter Sunday, the thought of an anchor roamed my mind. And on Easter Sunday, while I worshipped in Church, the Anchor revealed itself as Christ so I thought to myself: WHAT A MARVELLOUS GOD I HAVE! FOR WITHOUT HIM AS MY ANCHOR, I WOULD HAVE BEEN BLASTED OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH BY THE WIND OF LIFE ITSELF.
Before Sunday, I kept in mind, at all times, that “Life happens to us all!” What happens in my life, no matter how good or bad is not to be compared to anyone else. Life gifts me whatever it wishes, and to you what it wishes. It is my job to enjoy all that it gives and be thankful for the gift of life.
On Sunday, I began to think of everything that has happened to me. Having quite a good memory, I began to shed tears, and this is where it always gets hard to write. This is where I usually scrape my writing and choose to write a story instead - but I must continue.
On a sunny day, a long time ago, I crawled onto the floor and cried because someone I enjoyed having around me decided to leave. He visited for a couple of days and went home.
“God why?” I uttered. I had no one else around me. I had my family but back then, during those sunny days, hell was raised in the household, and everything that was meant to be good, was bad. It all came back to the man I loved so much in my early years - my father. With his ruthless ways of keeping everyone in check, I lost my love for life. Multiple times I wished God would end my life moments before my eyes shut in bed. He would, for “love’s sake” do unspeakable things to me, my brothers and my mother.
I wept each night thinking I did something wrong.
Wept knowing that something might be wrong the next day and I would get punished.
The fear of him led me to fear the world. Moments of him handing my brothers belts whenever I got in trouble led me to fear the world, or forcing me to hit my brothers. I looked at the world and saw my father. The hands of every individual and the way they looked at me made me shield myself from making friends. And when I did, I broke it off within a few months if not weeks. I judged that they were going to hurt me just like I was being hurt at home. Many would call me their best friend, and I’d stay silent. I had no need for best friends when I knew that at some point, their love for me would turn them against me.
So I was alone - just like that sunny afternoon.
There is no such thing as love in this world if my father couldn’t love me.
And Love - I started flirting. Dating. But I broke things off.
Work - I quit when I got too close to co-workers.
Life’s heartbreak - I ran away from.
Whilst all of this happened, something deep in my heart sang, but I listened not. I heard the music, beautiful as a love song, but I listened not and stared at the world as I did my father. With hate for its hand was heavy and could crush me easily. Ran before I could get hurt. Hid away before it broke your soul. In the darkness, the song began a light, and it began to grow. I thank my mother for it because, in her sorrows, she kept saying the light’s name and singing the song. Day and Night, she sang and prayed. To who later became an Anchor for me.
The light grew in my darkness. I began reading the bible as much as I could. I began falling in love with everything in it, and with someone I know loves me so much. Someone who sacrificed himself for me. I joined church lessons and memorised multiple passages of the Bible, my favourite - Psalms 23 for he comforted me.
I would memorize and share it in front of the church. Despite this, however, the darkness grew for the household, and so did the pain. However in my later years the light overcame the darkness - it told me to give up on the thoughts of death, for my time belongs to the Lord. I began, with the light guidance joined numerous activities, started talking to humans, and made friends.
Sometimes, however, the darkness does creep in but the light forever shines. My Anchor keeps me looking at the wonderful things in the world.
ENJOY PSALMS 23 :
“The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.”
I hardly write nonfiction and publish them, but the thoughts won’t stop till it is written and published.
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Merci Beaucoup
Till Next Time,
gkgaius
