Mistakes / Death of Ivan

By gk gaius,

Published on Dec 29, 2022   —   7 min read



Merci Beaucoup Mes amis / till next time Deo Volente

What a year right? What a beautiful year! Thank God for 2022. I end this year with 2 pieces I wrote when the year started but before we get to it, I wish to say thank you dear reader for a wonderful year. Thank you for the love you’ve shown me throughout the year. The love that made me believed in myself more. Thank you, dear reader. I hope your 22 was marvellous, and I pray your 23 is marvellous as well.


Yes, the gurus have told me that failure should be just that, failure. They have also told me that failure is a lesson. What I know for sure then is that they can’t make up their mind jsut like what you;re about to read. There’s mistakes all over that weren’t intended. I simply wish to push a button and instead pushed a different one but wished not to erase. Forgive me, but let’s get into this.

A really good friend of mine at the age of 13 told me while he drew his comics that every mistake is an art - I miss you dear friend. Instead of erasing his drawings, he would find a way for it to make sense anyways. I catch myself pushing the delete button from time to time as I write this failing to do as he does. Did it again because it’s impossible to not erase, for me at least. I’ll try anyways to make sure I do not delete words off . What this really means then is that I must never count my mistakes as bad , but as something can be useful still. In the world that I live in, this is very bad , it is a very bad idea and I can see it happening as I write this. I don’t want to write rubbish, I don’t want my words to be all over the place. i don’t want to write h e is instead of he is. I don’t want to place a , away from where it’s needed and so I erase things, I push that delete button.

But my friend wasn’t wrong I believe. I elieve he was right. I can use my mistakes and make it art. The only thing that’s stopping me is my best friend fear. Such beautoful friend that tells me that people will hate my writings if it’s all over the place, if the snytax (bloody hell spelt that wrong) is all over the place. But I’m starting to enjoy this, so I believe my childhood friend might be right. He knows that we aren’t perfect humans and so He said such thing. Every mistake is an art. The only thing stopping me from using my mistake for good is fear of people rediculing it anyways. i decided to darw (draw) as a way to get myself to understand his words. I love drawing lions so check out these images below….

The image above is a drawing I gave up on because I was make ing (making) so many mistakes and I didn’t want to erase it all.

This one above is a different version I completed despite the mistakes. I was afraid of how bad (I wasnt afraid of how things will look , I would finsih it and see what it looked like instead of just erasing it). What I learnt from these drawing was this: Mistakes can indeed because (become) something good. In life, reality, I can’t erase what I have written (done). If I called that girl cute (which I did) by saying her ass was huge, I can’t take that back. It’s said, it’s gone, but I can’t smile and await the slap or the hug? Who knows?

I don’t know if my reader has (will) get the rubbish I have written out of his face (only God knows) but I knows (know deep in my mind) this in my mind, I’m learning to make sure what I’m doing is filled with less mistakes. There’s no chance for mistakes because mistakes can hurt me badly. An example could be calling your wife’s dad a dickhead in fron tof the both of them, and now you’re in court settling your divorce. Mistakes like that can be avoidable if we just think about things before we do them. I should have thought about the words you’re reading before I hit publish…

open book on brown wooden table
Photo by Yannick Pulver on Unsplash


“He cried about his helplessness, about his terrible loneliness, about the cruelty of people, about the cruelty of God, about the absence of God [and so I ask myself], Why hast thou done this all? why has thou brought me to this? why dost thou torture me so? for what?” 1

I haven’t had my rendezvous with death yet. I do know it’s coming sooner or later. I have seen him take my aunt away from her family. On that day I saw my mother’s tears as she told me that “her sister died.” I didn’t know what death meant so I thought she travelled to a place we would never find her. I understand what death is now, I think about it a lot and I’ve realized that a lot of what I do is so I do not have that rendezvous. So, after reading The Death of Ivan Ilyich I began to think a lot more about death and realized that my aunt didn’t kill herself, she died from Nature, whereas I’m killing myself daily without knowing it till now. My aunt died during childbirth, Nature. I’m killing myself with the things I am doing/not doing.

Ivan didn’t intentionally fall, but he fell and never had himself checked and soon this fall caused his death. I ate pizza and fast food many times a week and hardly exercised. If I hadn’t taken my doctor’s advice seriously - if I don’t take it seriously, a heart attack, some artery blockage and I’ll die. Sooner or later I’ll be gone from this world. I don’t know if I’ll see light, I don’t know anything. All I know now is that I don’t want to be the cause of my death. I want Nature to take me. I don’t want to blame God or those around me for my death. When I die, I want to die smiling, knowing that I have enjoyed life itself. That I have taken care of myself.

I can judge the world but I can’t change anything, anyone but myself. As a youngin, I was fit and was always active, but then I grew older and became idle. I enjoyed Mcdonald’s because it was comfortable and Pizza became a Mistress as my Football coach pointed out to me at the beginning of a season years ago.

My doctor unlike Ivan’s doctors said to me, if I don’t lose weight, I’ll die faster so I looked to God and instead of saying “Why has thou brought me to this?” I said, “Why have I done this to myself? I don’t want to die before my time if there’s such a thing - so I must focus on my health.

“What is this? Is it true that this is death?” 2

I know that I’ll cause my death if I continue the path of fast food, no exercise, and junk snacks and Nature will laugh at me and say “I was going to make this easy for you but you just had to be a fool for worldly foods and comfort. You just had to use your phone while you walked or drove. You just had to take that drug. You just had to be lazy. You just had to be a bloody fool” And I’ll blame Nature, and ask why death has come so soon.

“There should be no death” I’ll scream though I caused my own death. I’d look up to God and say to him, “You said you’ll protect me so I left my door open.”

“He drew in a breath, broke off in the middle of it, stretched himself out, and died.” 3

It’s going to come soon. I just hope it’s not my doing, that way I am at peace when I see the light. And if it’s my doing, I hope I am not screaming at the world for what I have done to myself. All of this doesn’t mean I won’t die. It means I hope I won’t be the reason why I die before my time. Death is coming one way or another, I hope I don’t meet him because I chose to be lazy, and addicted to comfort.

The Death of Ivan Ilyich brought this idea to me and so I thank the blood and sweat of Tolstoy. Thanks for reading, God bless. If you enjoy, subscribe to the substack or share with the world. It’s lovely having you as a reader.

  1. Page 118 (A Bantam Classic)

  2. Page 121 ( A Bantam Classic)

  3. Page 131 (A Bantam Classic)

    I end 2022 Publishing Mode with these works of mine. Subscribe to my substack to see what the words have for us in 2023! And don’t forget to get EMELIA on Amazon!

    Till Next Year,
    Deo Volente

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